Some mornings, I wake up with day-old contacts on day four, maybe five, feeling as though I’ve never left that sticky, green, NICU recliner, a tiny little blonde birdie resting on the rise and fall of my sore, milk-full chest, my heartbeat her song. The world tells me it’s 2022, but my heart, my body, my mind, 2020. But what does my soul say? It wonders, does time evaporate like hot rain in the garden of our lives or does it become an ocean of love that connects us, or both?
Some mornings, I wake with that impossible feeling, the one where it was just us two tucked away from the rest of the world in quarantine, one of us staring at a brick wall pray-begging over and over again to,” keep breathing, little one” and for the noise of the machines, the beeps, to cease. Except now, one of us isn’t as little, and that one’s in the other room watching the repetitive and very unqualified babysitter that is Coco Melon, eating an apple whole while I talk to myself, again. Breathe, I tell her.
Some mornings, I do begin by breathing. But only in the bathroom where I pretend I am showering or conducting the very-important-needs-to-be-addressed-immediately-or-else business of being alone, or after school drop-off when the symphony of four children getting ready for the day abruptly ends with a quick door slam giving way to an old friend called Quiet that rushes in like the gentle, honest river that it is.
Some mornings, regrettably, I believe the person on the other side of the screen who felt it pertinent in their corner of the world to tell me, quickly, rudely, in this corner of mine, to do better or be better, anonymously.
Some mornings, before I put on my glasses so I can properly see the world with all of its unforgiving truths, I’ll lay in bed as the pinky orange glow of the sunrise washes over the soft curves of my still tired body. Light: lingering in a fuzzy haze, hugging the blurry lines and silhouettes of the room. Me: pretending like air is the color of cotton candy, sweet and irresistible, believing that this is what it feels like to truly see.
Some mornings, before I slide my bare feet out of our warm, familiar bed and rest them on the cold, unfamiliar floor I’ll wonder sharply if my birth mom ever got to hold me? Or did they take me away before she could map the shape of my face with her blue eyes – the ones I got from her – to feel that pang in her heart, the one that changes everything that came before it? Was she alone? Was it raining? Did anyone bring a balloon, or were they already trying hard to forget. I’ll wonder if her labor was long. Or painful. And if today, maybe even on this morning 34 years later, she still feels the contractions of longing, the invisible pains of what if’s, the hurt of me?
Some mornings, I forget that I need quiet like I need air and that I need time alone like I need water. Some mornings I forget that I need both air and water, too. And on some mornings, the really good ones, I remember that I need them all, and that writing makes me feel alive and that reading makes me feel seen. Those mornings are gifts.
K - Beautiful
Stephanie - I let your words wash over me and I found that, again, your writing is both warm comfort and a call to more present in my own life.
Maria - Thank you for sharing these words with us.
admin - Maria, love you so, dear friend. Xx
Anna - These poems are gorgeous.
Angelina - I miss your words. So beautiful and so inspiring.
admin - Angelina, thank you, friend. They comforted me this morning. Xx
Elizabeth - I always adore your writing. Your voice is so beautifully personal, yet completely relatable. Thank you for sharing.
hay - beautiful words.
Sue - You are seen. I think your birth mother still feels the pain of letting you go. You have made beauty out of ashes.
Dee Lakes - Your birth mother will never forget you and every birthday you have she will relive your birth in minute detail, then wonder at the life you lead, feeling unimaginable sorrow at not knowing. Trust me on this.
Stephanie - Thank you for your words. After reading this post and sensing your compassion, I thought you might be moved to hear about an organization in my backyard – it touches my heart as a mother and I hope it tugs at your heartstrings as well
Please check it out:
jessie - It’s so comforting to hear your words again
Samantha - So happy to be back here in this space with you. In your other recent post, you described getting to come back to some of your rituals as feeling like an old friend, and that is this space for me. My oldest is Alfie’s age and I found your account as a brand new mother right after he was born. When I read your words now, I am transported back to that time and place and feeling and I love it. I’m a textbook HSP and introvert and I find so much joy and comfort here. Hope you had a chance for water and air and quiet this morning 🙂
Amy - I’ve so enjoyed reading your posts over the years, this is no exception 💛